In a culture so infatuated with the idea of 'self-care', we tend to do ourselves a disservice by generalizing what counts as such. Face masks, a hot bath, and a glass of Stella Rosa? Definitely self care. Holding yourself accountable, reflecting, and challenging yourself to grow emotionally? Mmm... I'll take option number one.
Although the romanticized concept of self care can be beneficial (especially for your pores), it barely scrapes the surface of what it really means to love yourself.
When I was growing up, and still today, my mom isn't shy about calling me out when I'm wrong. She has never been the type of parent to blindly take my side, or allow me to scrape by with the bare minimum. In the name of "tough love", she broke every shell I trapped myself in, challenged every "can't" that I presented, and forced me to look at every situation through another perspective. Although there were times I just wanted her to match my level of petty and be senselessly angry at whoever I'm angry at, her way was admittedly best. It would have been so easy to wallow in every disappointment and to stew in the childish spats I've found myself in over the years, but that would have done nothing for me.
Instead, challenging me to look beyond my own perspective and realize that maybe, just maybe I don't know best is what caused me to grow as a person. Uncomfortable as it was at the time, the end result is greater empathy, humility, and a whole number of things that I forgot to thank my mom for in her Mother's Day card this year.
We owe it to ourselves to use that same tough love when it comes to self care. When you love something, you want to see it grow + thrive. To truly love yourself, you should want the same.
I'm a bit of a plant hoarder, possibly because it's the only living thing I feel responsible enough to keep alive. The basics of plant care are simple, sunlight and water. Going a little deeper, the plant needs room to grow. I can diligently water my fig, and perfectly position it in the sunlight, but if I keep it in the same pot I brought it home in, eventually it will outgrow the planter and wither away. A healthy plant will continually grow, and it needs room to expand. One more level into this metaphor, a plant needs to be pruned. It's completely natural for stems off of any plant to brown and die, even on a perfectly healthy one. Part of caring for a plant means going in regularly and picking out the dead stuff, the leaves that no longer serve the plant and the stems that are blocking the way for new ones. Pruning out the dead makes room for the new.
Let's say the sunlight and water are the fun parts of self care. Those are the expensive facials we convince ourself we deserve and the full shopping cart on Amazon because *treat yo' self*. Not to mention the essentials to survival like food, shelter, blah blah blah.
The room to grow is self explanatory. If you don't challenge yourself to expand mentally and emotionally, you will suffocate. Growth over your lifetime is natural and healthy. Don't get the wrong idea when I say growth, I don't mean hitting a new milage PR on a daily run or learning a new language. I don't mean growth by the standards of tangible productivity. I mean growth in the form of shedding fears that hold you back, letting go of unhealthy habits, and releasing yourself from the clutches of toxic relationships. Growth isn't always quantifiable, and it doesn't have to be linear to be valuable.
Finally, just like the fig tree in my living room, we need regular pruning too. It's important to comb through our lives, identify what's no longer serving us and even preventing future growth. Find the dead leaves and pick them out. Cut off the stems that are suffocating your growth.
All of this to say that self care isn't always glamorous and love isn't always gentle. In my wise old age, I'm finally learning the truth to the adage that nothing worth having comes easy.
...Yes, I learned that from my mother.
In an effort to document and hold myself accountable to all of the life lessons I've learned in my aforementioned wise old age, I'm going to begin a series of miniature posts, each centered around a different non-traditional means of self care.
This weeks inaugural topic: muting (and unfollowing) people.
While it would admittedly be the best thing we could do for ourselves to be able to mute certain people in real life, that is unfortunately not feasible and usually called manslaughter. However, in terms of social media, it's as easy as two taps on a screen.
In a world where you select who you follow and choose what content you consume, it's hard to imagine a need to put blinders on yourself. Sometimes speaking in terms of pop-culture can feel like speaking a different language, but I'll do my best. There are certain nuances that are only felt by a generation that has grown up with one foot in the real world and one food in the virtual one. One of those nuances being that an 'unfollow' can mean the severance of a relationship or the end of a friendship. To put it simply, unfollowing someone on any form of social media can mean you no longer wish to see or keep up with their life. Goodbye, done, sayonara, see you never. It isn't always received on the other end, seeing the unfollow and feeling the virtual abandonment (dramatic, stay with me).
I've had numerous reasons to unfollow people over my stint in the social media realm. The usual friendship fallout/breakup, the classic we-haven't-interacted-since-sophomore-year, the i'm-tired-of-seeing-your-baby, etc. Kidding about the last one! For the most part. The most tempting reason to unfollow someone is that seeing their content brings more negative than positive to my life and my mental state.
When I was a freshman in college, I really struggled with the fact that a great majority of my friends joined sororities and lived on campus and lived a made-for-TV life of frat parties, themed dances and endless sleepovers. In my little apartment off campus, I felt left out and left behind and every scroll was a reminder of that. However- to unfollow my friends would send a message I didn't want. I didn't want them to think I didn't care and I didn't love seeing them live their own lives to the fullest. It was just that the sight of their full lives made me doubt the choices I had made to pursue a different path.
When I was single, I fought the urge to throw my phone across the room every time I saw another engagement post or wedding countdown. It seemed like everyone on my feed was pairing off more quickly than I could scroll past their wedding hashtag. While I was over the moon for each of my dear friends and their love stories, each golden hour engagement photo was another reminder that my left ring finger and my love life were both equally empty. I didn't want to imply that I didn't care or didn't want to see their Pinterest-perfect wedding, I just had a desperate urge to protect my heart from feeling even lonelier.
When I fall asleep at night, I scroll through Instagram (self care post on blue light damage and cell phone addiction coming soon - yikes) and see everyone's beautifully edited and perfectly posed photos. Everyone has certain people they compare themselves to more than others. Certain people in my life seem to pop up with their flat tummies and their flawless skin and their long flowing locks right when I'm having my most bloated, insecure nights. Don't get me wrong, I love them in all their bikini-clad, white-toothed glory, and I love seeing them happy. However- the toll it takes on me is worth examining.
In all of these cases and probably countless more, unfollowing a friend seems too harsh. I do care what they're doing, and I do support them. I don't want to sever ties or lose the relationship.
Sometimes you just need a brain break, and you need to love yourself enough not to subject yourself to content that constantly reminds you of your own inequities. Give yourself that break.
In all of these cases, I present to you the humble mute button.
Meant for cases such as these, where you don't want to take a metaphorical sword and sever ties with anyone, but know that something has to give before you begin to build up resentment against someone you don't want to feel negatively about.
The content you consume should inspire you. It should make you smile or laugh or even inwardly chuckle to yourself. It should motivate you or provoke your thoughts.
The content you consume should not make you question decisions you made in your own best interest. It should not make you feel like you're missing things that you don't have room for in the first place. It should not make you pick out flaws in yourself that you never would have seen otherwise. It should not cause you to close the app in a worse mood than you were in when you opened it.
What fills your mind fills your life, and through the consumption of social media, we can choose to send our lives in a positive or negative direction. There are times I catch myself scrolling down my Instagram feed, passing judgement after judgement on people who don't deserve it. I critique everything from outfits to editing choice to boyfriends' facial hair. Things that both aren't my business and aren't bringing anything positive to my life.
Toxic consumption of media is twofold. There is the kind detailed above, where social media makes me act and think cruelly towards myself. It makes me speak to myself more harshly and pick out flaws like it's my day job. The second kind makes me act and think cruelly towards others. It makes me want to screenshot posts and ask what on Earth she was thinking posting that. It makes me want to laugh at his mustache because who in their right mind told him it looks good. It makes me pick apart someone's grammar and life choices and taste in shoes. It makes my mind a place I am ashamed of.
Why am I consuming content that makes me embarrassed of my own thoughts? Why am I allowing myself to scroll through a feed of things that encourage my judgement and my hatefulness and my jealousy?
When your social media feed becomes a breeding ground for unhealthy behavior and toxic thoughts, it's time to be pruned. Unfollow the accounts that no longer inspire you. Mute the accounts you need a mental break from. Keep only the people and things that will help you cultivate the happiest mental state you can.
Self care can take tough love. Sometimes it's a guilty pleasure to be a little mean, behind closed doors. Sometimes we hate-follow people. We find sick joy in seeing other people 'fall behind' in life. We creep on the pages of people we know don't bring us an ounce of joy, just to fulfill a selfish need to keep tabs on their life. Care for yourself enough to cut this out. Love yourself enough to stop opening your mind to negativity and all its' friends.
While I can feel an entire generation rolling their eyes at such a lengthy post dedicated to the do's and don't's of following on social media, it needed to be said. Or at least, I needed to say it to get it out of my head and onto paper (my Macbook screen). Like it or not, social media is an integral part of modern society and will likely only continue to grow and take a larger stake in our lives. Just because we are conditioned to think it sounds trivial or that virtual problems aren't valid problems doesn't mean that the damage done by these platforms isn't real.
Sometimes it takes tough love to realize that you are the one hurting yourself. By intentionally exposing yourself to things that exploit insecurities or invoke negativity, you are stunting your own emotional growth. Identify what's no longer serving you. Find the dead leaves and pick them out. Cut off the stems that are suffocating you.
You will be amazed at the growth that follows.
XOXO
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