They say that included in the top ten most stressful life events are getting married, moving, and a change in career. I guess somewhere deep in my subconscious, I found that out and thought, challenge accepted.
I got engaged on October 31, 2020.
I left my job in pursuit of my own business venture on May 4, 2021.
I put a contract on a house that was being built with my fiancé on May 15, 2021.
The time since all of that occurred has been the most blissful chaos. If you read my previous post about the events that led me to start my own business and leave the corporate world, you know that I am full of faith when it comes to life decisions. However, that doesn’t mean that they are without stress, trepidation, or anxiety. On the contrary, the bold choices I feel led to make by my God make me feel incredibly helpless and anxious. As a recovering control freak, I still struggle to jump into murky waters. God is sure trying his hardest to break me of that fear.
Let’s do a fast forward from then to now.
I am now four whole months into running my own company and loving it more every day. (Except invoicing.)
I am officially out of the last apartment that I will ever live in, but more on that later. I am 30 days from closing on our house.
I am 75 days from marrying the love of my life.
When I look ahead over the next two months, I see an insurmountable to-do list. Follow up meetings with potential clients, moving two people's apartments and accumulation of stuff into one home, ceremony detail planning, board retreats, fundraising events, etc etc etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost faith that everything will work out in the perfect way that it’s been planned for me. But, I am only human. And a fairly anxious human at that. That means that my days begin with worry and end with anxiety. With a lot of nervousness in between.
Yes, it's as unpleasant as it sounds. No, I won't disclose how many grey hairs I've found.
Working for myself is a catch 22. Being self-employed has allowed me the freedom and flexibility to be present for other life events. I'm so thankful to be able to work on a schedule that benefits myself, my fiancé, and everything else happening in our lives. But on the contrary, I am working about 100 times harder than I ever have for anyone else. That’s just my selfish nature showing, I suppose. I am the hardest boss that I have ever worked for.
In this case, no slacking is acceptable. My entire livelihood, my mortgage, my fiancé’s life, and our future is dependent on me being successful. No pressure.
Actually, if this business failed, I could cut my losses and go back to work pretty much immediately, but what fun is a low-stakes situation.
Our closing is impending and the worst part of this whole situation is a "hurry up and wait" situation. I knew we had to pack up two separate lives and move them into one. Moving sucks. I was dreading it. I decided to list my furniture online, expecting it to sell over a period of weeks. 24 hours later, it was gone. I was left standing in my empty apartment, feeling pleasantly surprised but with a new set of issues.
Luckily, my parents have a spare bedroom and open arms and we're roommates again for the next month until our house closing. I'm living out of boxes but surrounded by home cooking, hugs, and dad jokes. It could be worse.
We are building our house in conjunction with a contractor. Luckily, they know much more about the construction industry than we do, but we are still as involved as our limited experience allows us to be. It feels like I have spent more time building this house than I have planning my wedding, but that just supports my theory that I am a terrible bride. This house is going to be the setting in the backdrop for all of our future memories in the next 10 years of our lives, maybe more. It means so much to me to be able to see it grow and become the home of the future Ruder family. As much as I have romanticized this building and its' place in our lives, it's still quite the burden at times. Plus, building a house is expensive. Who would have thought!
Lastly, I am a terrible bride. Not a bridezilla, actually quite the opposite. I don’t care about reception place settings, I don’t care about flower girl baskets, or how big my bouquet is. I don’t care what time the ceremony starts and I sure as he** don't know the difference between white and ivory. I hate putting things on a registry, I'm tired of wearing white and I'm dreading being the center of attention at my first bridal shower this weekend. As I said, I'm a terrible bride.
All I want is to leave the venue on October 30, 2021, hand-in-hand with Austin.
I always saw myself as more of a control freak, but the stage of life has all but disproven that. I simply don’t have the capacity to control everything, and this is one of the many things that has been a casualty of my loss of control. Luckily, I have an incredible support system (including the wedding planner I am tempted to name one of my children after because she's that amazing) and I couldn’t have done it without everyone in my corner. I am so incredibly thankful for those who are making this time of my life so special and are celebrating our marriage, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm a terrible bride.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel so incredibly blessed to have all of these amazing things happening for me. Dream job, dream house, dream guy. What more can I ask for?
Easy, more time to enjoy it all.
I feel like the days are flying by without me even being able to soak any of the moments in. Our house has gone from a skeleton of wooden beams to a beautiful, fully formed home and I don’t even remember how it happened. My wedding is in 75 days, and I feel like I just got engaged yesterday. Suddenly, I can’t even remember what my old coworkers and I used to laugh about, I feel like I have been on my own forever, but at the same time, I have no idea how I got to this point. With so much happening at once, it’s impossible to appreciate any one thing. I feel like all of these incredible firsts and special memories are slipping through my fingers, and the more tightly I try to grasp them, the faster they slip away.
The worst part is that in mid-November when I return from my honeymoon and I unpack all of my things. I will be filled with an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I will still have my business, but the house will be built and the wedding will be replaced with memories. I know that when I have an abundance of time I will wonder what on earth I was so stressed out about during the previous months. I know that this will pass, but I can’t make myself sit down and rest.
Now that I've solidified myself as the most spoiled person with the most first-world problems, onto what I'm learning.
First, I learned that I conditioned myself to feel anxious when I listen to worship music. When I get stressed, I play music that's full of faith. I started to notice that it was only making me feel worse. Eventually, it dawned on me. I only listen to worship music when I need comfort. When I'm sad, scared, or anxious. When all is well and I'm happy, I listen to anything else. I don't listen to music and praise God when I'm full of joy. I only use it when I need His peace. Now, listening to Christian music has become a staple of my stressful moments. I hate that I've done that to something that brought me so much peace.
When I thought about it more, I realized I do this with my faith as a whole. I listen more intently in church when I need guidance, I pray more when I'm low, I listen to praise music when I'm on the verge of tears.
While my faith is the most incredible cushion to fall back on, it shouldn't be reduced to the last resort I've been treating it as.
It should be the first thing I do when I receive good news to cry out to Jesus in gratitude. I should sing along to Lauren Daigle when the sun is shining and I'm feeling great. I should be on the edge of my seat during every church sermon even when I feel like I have it all together.
I'm working on re-conditioning myself to turn to God first, not last. To be thankful for every blessing instead of desperate to fix every problem. It's a work in progress, but it's a blessing to be making progress at all.
Second, I'm learning to delegate. In my past life, this was my worst nightmare. I wanted to be the one personally spinning every plate and juggling every ball. This stage of life has taken my strategy and thrown it right out the window. I couldn't handle this all on my own if I tried.
I am learning the true value of marriage being a team effort. Austin has been a rockstar at listening to every wedding stressor and giving me a shoulder to cry on (or yell at). He's reminded me that I'm not running a solo race, but a relay. It feels so good to pass the baton.
My family and future family, my friends, and everyone supporting me professionally have all pried the reins from my white-knuckled grip and reminded me it's not weak to take something off of my plate. After all, I am the definition of eyes bigger than my stomach and biting off more than I can chew.
Third, I am learning that there will never be a perfect time to sit and enjoy life.
I'm done with saying "after the wedding, I can relax," or "when we get settled in the house, I won't be stressed," or "when I sign x number of clients, I'll rest". I'm tired of pushing my joy off until tomorrow. The truth is, I'll find something to stress about and fuss over when I meet all of those imaginary deadlines too. After the wedding, after the move, after the first business year, I'll still be talking God's ear off about my problems.
So why wait to be happy? If the stressors don't go away, only evolve, so should I. Even if my to-do list is a little lengthy, so is my list of blessings. What I choose to focus on will make all the difference in how this stage of life is remembered.
Do I want to look back and remember how I felt so frustrated I wanted to elope? Or do I want to look back and think of how magical of a time it was to plan the biggest party and celebrate my favorite person and I getting married.
Do I want to reminisce on how the sod didn't take as quickly as I wanted it to, or the tile took too long to get installed? Or about all of the impromptu drives Austin and I took to see the progress of our home and daydreamt about all of the memories to be made in it?
It's a pretty clear choice if you ask me.
Finally, I'm learning about all of the pressure we put on brides. Who came up with the idea that you're supposed to look your best after a year of spending, planning, moving, and stressing? Petition to #GiveBridesABreak. It's brutal out here.
Reminder that although life sometimes looks like this:
It also looks like this:
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