To be perfectly candid, when I wrote the last post and hit submit, I figured I would end up writing again in a week or so as usual. I figured inspiration would hit me out of the blue and I would sit and type away after a normal day of working at my 9-5 and then post it, hoping someone would take the time out of their busy life to read it.
I did not, however, picture writing this on a Thursday morning from my kitchen table in the middle of a time I am usually halfway through a workday. I did not anticipate being under a mandatory 'stay at home' order, under a nationwide pandemic, just weeks after never having heard of 'COVID-19". But, I guess that's where we're at now. Life comes at you fast.
Before I begin, I want to write a disclaimer. Despite the comic relief that I approach every situation under the sun with, I realize this is a very tragic and trying situation. I am praying ceaselessly for the sick, those in power facing impossible decisions, and the people who are afraid. I am incredibly fortunate to be in such a good situation and in good health, but I realize my blessings and don't take them for granted. I know how quickly my situation could change and I am so thankful for the good fortune I have had so far. I realize some of what I talk about can be trivial in the face of national shutdowns and global chaos (Kourney K voice, "Kim, theres' people that are dying,"). I don't take this lightly. These are just my thoughts from my small corner of the world.
In my newly found abundance of free time, I have been thinking way too much for my own good. Between reliving repressed memories of childhood embarrassment and trying to figure out why Derek Shepherd never got a head CT, it's been busy around here. Despite my best efforts, sometimes it gets overly deep and philosophical and no amount of color-coding my closet will distract me from the inevitable soul searching.
This post will most likely mirror life lately, in that it will be scattered, jumbled, and may or may not make sense. I'm hoping we're all in similar states of confusion, and you won't mind too much.
I've seen a lot of posts about how this quarantine/pandemic is God's way of letting us all reset. His way of getting our attention and realigning our priorities. Here's the thing about that, I don't believe God causes bad things to happen. Without getting too theological, I believe that because we live in a fallen world full of sin and free will, bad things are inevitable. However, just because God didn't directly cause this to happen doesn't mean he can't work good through it ("and we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him," Romans 8:28).
Again, I don't think God was tired of waiting for us to give our undivided attention to Him so He snapped His fingers and unleashed Coronavirus on us. I do think that in a spirit of of obedience and faith, it's important to listen for God's voice in all times, especially these full of uncertainty. In this time, when so much is falling away by means of cancellation or quarantine, what remains?
I look at my life, what it normally looks like. Typically, it's a whirlwind of one thing to the next, rarely stopping to be still. I live by lists and planners, all of my days premeditated and set out before my feet even hit the floor. I start each day scrutinizing my planner, making sure I'm being productive to the max. Asking myself if I can fit in an extra coffee date with a friend or few hours of working on who knows what. All free space on my calendar is filled with scribbles and squeezed in to-to lists, and all free time in my life is filled with plans. Stopping for a deep breath is rare and resisted. I struggle with the concept of "just being."
In the face of our new normal, my old ways are nearly impossible. This entire development has happened more or less in two weeks. Our area hadn't been affected until all the cancellations started pouring in from the major sports teams and universities. In even less time than that, we have seen our community begin to take action. Schools are shutting down, friends are unemployed, businesses are closing, and I'm working from home. In less than two weeks, our world got turned on its' head in ways we could never have seen or anticipated.
A few days ago, I pulled out my planner and stared at the month of March. With the saddest color I could find, I drew a felt-tipped, fine-point line through three weekends' worth of plans. I struck through three different committee meetings for events that have already undergone months of planning. I crossed out a handful of social plans with friends so dear to me. I wrote the word cancelled more times than I ever wanted to. As I sat and stared at the butchery of a calendar page, I felt a lot of things. Disappointment for sure, but also a sense of mourning. All of the pictures I had in my head of the way this month would look, all gone in a matter of minutes. I felt heartbreak for the people with much more important things they had to scratch out. All of the baseball games that my Senior brother won't get to play, all of the wedding dresses hanging in their garment bags, all of the trips that were cancelled and the flights that were grounded. My heart hurt tenfold for the people who were losing more than I was through this unforeseen crisis.
I turned the page to April and stared at the blank month. Usually, the first day of the month is my favorite. An empty planner page holds so much possibility and promise. For the first time, I looked at all of the dates with nothing written beside them and felt...lost. In the middle of this situation that is changing almost hourly, it's impossible to plan beyond your next meal. A million different sources have a million different ideas of how long this will last and how severe it will get, but one thing is true across the board: no one really knows what the future holds.
My comfort comes from looking ahead and knowing, as much as I can, what is coming. I like to visualize, to plan, to map out. Almost to a fault (definitely to a fault). Looking at those empty pages, my stomach turned with the thought of the unknown. Wondering what would happen to my job, my life group, my friendships, my fitness routine, my family, everything. For once in my life, I had no idea what the next day would hold.
While I write these words, I picture God laughing. Plans and preparation are truly a human construct and something that we cling to for security. The only one who really knows what the next day holds is Him. Despite our best laid plans, every new day could bring something that sends them all crashing down, leaving us awestruck and clutching our precious planner as the dust settles. While this is a grandiose example of how little we can really control, it's a strong lesson I feel like needs to translate to the rest of my life. Planning and preparation are good, but they should not be my guiding principle or my North Star. Knowing how quickly things can change on a worldwide level is humbling. Who am I to pretend I know what lies ahead? I am clinging to the only One who actually knows, asking myself why it took a global pandemic for me to think that, gee, maybe I don't know best.
Whenever and however this awful situation passes, I know my need for stability will still be there. I am working every day to root my comfort in the words and promises of God and not in the pink gel pen words written in my planner from TJ Maxx. I can't change the fact that I'm a neurotic control freak, but I can remind myself that as a believer, I have so many truths to cling to when everything else falls away.
Romans 8, the Message Translation, "31 With God on our side, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? 37 Do you think anything is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in scripture. 39 None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I am absolutely convinced that nothing- living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, thinkable or unthinkable- absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way He embraced us."
I love this verse, but this translation stood out to me more than usual. Trouble, hard times, hunger, homelessness, tomorrow, the unthinkable. All things that are happening all around us now more than ever. With the layoffs and closures and sickness that seems to become bigger and more prevalent by the day, what else is there to cling to besides a God who refuses to let go of us?
I know that one day I will open my planner, make all of my incessant notes, organize my week down to the hour, and the word quarantine won't even cross my mind. This will be a distant memory for most of us, and we will return to a version of our normal. While I know that day will come, I am trying to soak up as much of this humbling time as I can. When people are suffering far worse than I am, I am humbled. When people are losing far more than I am, I am grateful. When the world is going haywire, I am rooted in my faith.
I don't know what tomorrow will hold, but I know who holds my tomorrow. And that is enough for today.
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