They say that eyes are the gateway to the soul. The window through which we discover our reality. The first curtains that we close to shut the world out.
What we perceive is what becomes our reality. I am particularly talented when it comes to seeing only what I want to see. I am realizing that what used to be considered a creative imagination can also be at times considered mild delusion. That paired with my superstition can lead me to see signs pointing to *coincidentally* exactly what I want them to.
This is a fun little world to live in until reality steps foot in my door and my silver lining rusts. Such a situation happened tonight, and without too many mundane details of my personal life, I will leave it at speed bump in my plan to graduate early and a small (massive) outburst of anger, the majority of which was directed at my financial calculator. Oh, and a whole lot of kicking myself for choosing to study finance.
Through a few perfectly timed songs, my mother's infinite wisdom, and a prayer or two, I realized that my answer was written on the walls. Or rather, hung on the walls.
My favorite piece of home decor is a set of two signs hanging on my living room wall, which read the verse Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope and a future,"
This was the first inkling I had that my eyes were about to be opened to something much bigger than myself. I looked to the right and saw another sign, this one sitting atop a shelf. It reads "She confidently trusts the LORD to take care of her."
By that point, the waterworks had begun. Just in time for me to look just one shelf above that and see the last sign, with one of my favorite personal mantras, "& if not, He is still good."
This simple saying speaks volumes to me about my role in my faith. My God does not exist to be good to me, and answer to my every whim. My prayers are not wishes to be granted by a genie and my future is not clay to be molded by my own hands.
Though genies exist in fairy tales, I know that I would not have my happy ending if my destiny were left up to my first three requests. Sure, I would be fanning myself with my college diploma on a beach somewhere, eating food that would never make me fat, but I like to think that my purpose is a little bigger than that.
Those three signs were so perfectly timed in the middle of yet another wake-up call from trying to take the wheel of my own life, which I seem to need more frequently than the average human. Each time the signs seem to strike me like a bolt of lightening but from the clearest sky you can imagine. Meaning the 'signs' come in the form of lyrics to a song I hear every day as I drive to work or a sign hanging above the television that I watch every night. Things I look at every day, but never truly see.
Tonight, my prayers will be a little different. They will not reflect my selfish desires or what I think I deserve. Inside, I will pray for my eyes to be opened to see the things I am meant to, rather than what I want. I will pray for the peace to lay my life at the feet of the one who laid his life down for me. & finally, I will pray to someday outgrow my neurotic tendency to try and take control of my own life, although I am vastly under-qualified for such a job.
I say all of this tonight because my heart was bursting with gratitude to my Father for waking me up once again from this trance we call life. With the goals and ambitions set before us by society, and pressure that we heap upon ourselves. That is another post in itself. Don't take these words out of context, I do not mean that our goals and dreams do not matter. They simply pale in comparison to what the Creator of the universe imagined for us. Who am I to decide that the best thing I will do this year is get handed a certificate telling the world I finished college? How many lives does that truly touch besides my own? Maybe whoever gets handed my tuition check, but that is hardly the purpose I strive to have.
Through my spurts of self-importance and feigned wisdom, I am reminded time and time again that my life is not mine to write if I want to live my most beautiful story. I can rest knowing that my life is in much more capable hands than my own.
Tonight, I am reminded that sometimes we see the most clearly through swollen eyes and mascara clumps.
Tonight, I will pray to stop clouding my own vision and standing in my own way of Your purpose.
Tonight, I will praise you for reminding me that I am loved regardless of any test score, capstone project grade, or anything that I have done in this life.
Here's to going into this week with our eyes wide open.
PS. I pray that this post speaks to you like Jesus spoke to me tonight. I have a lovely little playlist of songs that knocked me upside the head with the Father's love today if anyone wants me to share it with them.