Come As You Are

How tragic that we live in a world where coming as you are is seen as utterly unimpressive. Where filters and FaceTune and fillers and photoshop have all taken beauty to such an unrealistic standard that a naked and untouched face is something to be hidden.

I spoke briefly in my last post about how liberating it can be for someone with a former refusal to leave the house without makeup to finally ditch it for good, but didn’t quite do justice what a feat that was for me. Since I was ten or eleven, I struggled with extremely temperamental skin. Being one of the first of any of my friends to go through this, it was that much more obvious and acknowledged by those around me. Your face is one of the few things you can’t just cover up with long hair or clothes or anything, there’s no hiding. I visited dermatologists and tried every different skin care regimen I could find but nothing helped. When you’re in the sixth grade, no one has developed a social filter quite yet so if I was having a particularly bad skin day, it was common for one of my friends or classmates to say something to me about it.

“What’s wrong with your face?”

It sounds so comical as adults with social boundaries to think of saying that to someone as anything beyond a joke, but that was the beginning of a deep-seated insecurity I still struggle with to this day. To see something in the mirror that makes your stomach sink, and then to go out into the world and have someone validate that reaction with the same disgust you feel towards yourself is incredibly disheartening. For me it was my complexion, but for someone else it might be the weight they've gained, or how thin their hair is, or how they're too tall or too short or that their thighs are too thick or anything in between. The sad thing about growing up a girl is that you learn that there are infinite things to feel insecure about and every person has their own set of concerns. Everyone has heard a comment that hit a little too close to home, or someone's observation that has always replayed in their mind.

Fast forward to me discovering makeup for the first time. With a daily routine consisting of heavy drugstore foundation (probably in the wrong color), thick, black pencil eyeliner, and Chapstick, it was definitely not easy on the eyes. Nor was it beneficial to my skin whatsoever (but this isn’t a skincare article, so that’s beside the point). Around 7th grade, I preferred to have bad, cakey makeup over bad, bare skin. Lesser of two evils, and in my mind this was much better than the contrary.

From that discovery onward, there was not a day I went out into the world without doing my makeup first. Granted, over the past decade, my makeup artistry has improved (only slightly) and I graduated from the Wal-Mart beauty aisle to Ulta (for the most part). But, the complex was so deeply ingrained that if I even wanted to go to the gym without makeup I would wear a hat and stare at the ground for the duration of my workout. Or go at midnight when there was sure not to be any familiar faces. It was an incredibly suffocating way to live, quite literally, being afraid to show my face in public.

I recognize that acne, however bad, is a trivial problem to have in the grand scheme of life. It isn’t a debilitating condition and it’s mainly superficial. With that being said, what is real in your mind is real in your life, and this was incredibly, painfully real in my mind. At the worst of mine, I was guilty of extremely negative self-talk, calling myself ugly and every synonym in the book every chance I got. The hostility towards my skin manifested into overall hatred towards my body. It turned into hating my nose because it’s too big and hating my fingers for being too crooked and hating my hair for being too red. In this state of mind, I would be hard pressed to find anything I liked about myself physically. What was real in my mind was

overwhelming negativity, and that became real in my life.

I wish I could say this was a short, adolescent trip through a negative mindset, but truthfully I still visit that place sometimes. Although I've seen drastic improvement in my complexion, the insecurity will always lie right below the surface. On bad days I go right back to wanting to dye my hair and hide my face. I am still guilty of being incredibly hard on myself and being unkind towards myself for things beyond my control.

Up until recently, that is, when I read something that gave me a wakeup call that was like a kick in the ribs.Ironically, speaking about natural beauty, it was a Kylie Jenner quote that opened my eyes to this perspective shift. In an article about her newfound motherhood and her daughter, Stormi. She said it has made her love herself more than ever, and when prompted to elaborate, she said “like my ears, I always felt like they stuck out too far, and now Stormi has the same ears, and so now I love them. ”

While it was such a seemingly insignificant sentence, it changed the way I look at and speak to myself.

I want to have babies one day, and if I’m not mistaken, I have about 50/50 odds of having a little girl. Considering that my children will be half of my DNA, it’s not out of the question that I could have a daughter that bears some resemblance to myself. (I’m no scientist, but this seems to be the way it works)

What if one day I’m looking into my daughter’s face and looking at the same big nose I used to criticize? Or holding hands with the same crooked fingers? Or brushing the same red hair that I have thought so many times about changing? What if she inherits my oh-so-tragic skin?

Am I going to sit across from her and speak to her the same way I speak to myself?

“Your nose takes up half your face. How does anyone make eye contact with you? What’s up with your gnarly fingers? No one wants to look at your face when you’re broken out like that. It’s all they’re gonna see. Your hair is so messy and such a dumb color. Too red to be brown and too brown to be fully red. Why don’t you dye it to something that would make you look better? Don't even think about leaving the house without makeup.”

Absolutely not… the thought of saying that to anyone else is sickening. But then why is it okay to say to myself? The blatantly obvious answer is that it’s not. But the boundaries that exist in your mind and your thoughts when it comes to someone else often don't apply when you look inward.

Once again, what if one day I’m looking into my daughter’s face and looking at the same big nose I used to criticize? Or holding hands with the same crooked fingers? Or brushing the same red hair that I have thought so many times about changing? What if she inherits the thorn in my side- my skin?

What if I try to tell her she’s beautiful just the way she is? But right afterwards, look into the mirror and verbalize how much I hate my nose and my skin and my hair, just like I do now. What do you think she’ll believe? What I say or what I do?

I can’t tell her that her skin doesn’t define her if I am constantly covering mine up. I can’t tell her that her crooked fingers are quirky and endearing if I am always complaining about my own. I can’t tell her she’s beautiful the way she is while always saying the nose we genetically share is far too big. I can’t tell her she’s lucky to have her rare hair color if I dyed mine to change it. I can't show someone how to love herself if I don't learn to do so first.

Just because the situation that spoke to my heart had to do with the daughter I hope to have one day doesn’t mean that’s the only situation this is applicable to. Hostility towards yourself will unknowingly rub off onto others and the way they speak to themselves. Negativity is just as contagious as anything else, and if you go through your life nitpicking yourself and never giving yourself a break, eventually the people in your life will begin to wonder about themselves; “Is my nose too big? Do people notice my acne?” etc. If you’re like me, you tend to be a thousand times harder on yourself than those around you, but it’s impossible to communicate that double standard to others when the message you’re sending says that perfect is the only acceptable way to be. You can’t say “I need to lose ten pounds, I look so fat,” and then tell your friend, who’s the same size, “but you look great.” What message does that send? Is she going to believe what you say or how you act?

While self-criticism, by name, has to do with oneself and their own body, it is not an isolated issue. It is so easily spread to those around you and perpetuates the world’s mentality that anything real is unacceptable. It is easier than ever to get lip fillers and spray tans and hair extensions and Botox and change everything you dislike about yourself. To be clear, this is not to say any of those things are bad or should be looked down upon, I believe in being the best version of yourself and choosing to do what makes you feel beautiful. ( My tan isn't real and my actual nails haven't seen the light of day since 2015, I get it. ) However, I also firmly believe that self-love should meet you where you are. It should bridge the gap between perfection and reality and meet you right at your morning-breath, swollen-faced, no-makeup self. It should meet you at your insecurities and follow through your confidence. It should push you to be the best you FOR you, but also remind you that coming as you are is always enough. Today, right where you sit, just how you exist in this moment, is enough.You and every insecurity you carry with you every day is worthy of the same love you show yourself in your best moments, and that you give so freely to the rest of the world.

So yes, I will continue to make my weekly gym goals and work towards being my healthiest self, I will still do my vigorous skin care routine and buy facemasks that make me look like an alien in pursuit of looking and feeling my best. But I will not expect perfection, and I will speak to myself kindly because that is what we all deserve. I will not make self love conditional, something I only deserve as the skinniest, healthiest, most clear-skinned and put together version of myself. I will love my bare-faced, Shaun White looking self as much as I love the glammed up version of myself with her act together. I will not add any more harshness or criticism to this world that is already overflowing with it. I will remind myself everyday until self-love isn't a goal, it's a reflex.

PS... if you read this far, here is why the Shaun White reference exists. Me, Cerca 2011.

Thank you for listening to me as I learn. XOXO

21 Things I Learned in 21 Years

In light of my recent twenty first birthday, I have felt introspective, inspired, and especially wise in my old age (insert studio laughter). Between the encouragement of friends and the tug on my heart, I decided to start writing again after a long hiatus. Turns out, I am just as wordy as ever. Please enjoy this compilation of things I have learned, and am still learning, in my first two decades of life.

1. Faith is a verb. It is not something you have, it’s something you practice and pursue every day. Life is busy, and if your external environment doesn’t support your pursuit of a strong relationship with God, you will find that your faith falls to the wayside very quickly. For me, faith is reaffirmed every time I hear a sermon that is directly pertinent to my current situation, or read a devotion that sounds like it was made for me, or even hear a song that fills my heart with gratitude. The thing is- I don’t get these God moments unless I am listening and looking for them. It’s so easy to let a day or a week or a month go by, wondering why you’re feeling discouraged or disconnected, only to realize it’s been that long since you made an active effort in your faith. So turn to your Faith playlist, tune into an inspiring podcast, get yourself to church on Sunday, and surround yourself with people who bring a little extra Jesus into your life. It’s worth it.

2. You are stuck in your mind as long as you live. Might as well make it a happy place to be! You are the only person required to be with you 24/7. Confusing to read, but quite simple. Who else lives in your head? (If the answer is anyone besides yourself, there are probably things that can help you more than this blog post. Like a licensed professional.) In my case, my mind is on constant overdrive, going back and forth with itself at any given moment of the day. It’s impossible to escape my thoughts, and it will probably be this way the rest of my life. If I can’t change that fact, I can sure make the best of it. Think about it – if you’re given a house and told you’re going to live there the rest of your life without any exception, do you let the house deteriorate? Do you let the grass grow too tall and the dishes pile up? Do you let it become such a mess that you don’t even want to be there anymore? No – you paint the walls, add a throw pillow or two (or ten), and take it from a house to a home. You build it to last and take care of it every day. It’s the same thing with your beautiful messy mind. You will live there for the rest of your existence. Don’t let the bad thoughts grow too tall, don’t let your anxieties pile up. Don’t let it become such a mess that you don’t want to be there anymore. Do a little housekeeping and take care of your mind.

3. If the $5.00 coffee is going to make your 8 hour work day better – it’s not too expensive.

4. Remember that people are people. I work in a bank, and it’s so easy to forget this and see only problems that need to be solved, rather than people and their situations. I may see fifteen customers in one day, but for each customer, I am their one bank experience of the day. Maybe even the week or the month. To me, they are 1 of 15 (or more) and to them, I am 1 of 1. They don’t know about everything piling up on my desk and that their request is just the cherry on top, just like I don’t know about the bad day or week that they’re living that brought them to my desk in the first place. Every encounter with someone is a chance to make their day better or worse, no matter how insignificant the exchange is. Having the door held for you turns your day in a better direction than having it shut in your face. Approach life with kindness.

5. Somehow – in adult life – you will spend a miscellaneous $100.00 (or more) every week. Whether your coworker is selling coupon books for their daughter’s softball team, or your high school friend’s baby shower is this weekend, your windshield wipers need replaced, or there is another birthday dinner at a nice restaurant and you can’t say no because all of your friends deserve to be celebrated, it’s always something. No matter how much you budget, track expenses and Dave Ramsey your life, you will always find yourself looking at your balance wondering??? What on Earth did I spend that money on? I didn’t even buy anything! But such is life.

6. No matter how many YouTube videos you watch, do not try to cut your own hair. Better to have split ends than uneven ends. If all else fails, the local beauty schools offer most salon services (including eyelash extensions and facials) for a fraction of regular price. Now put the scissors down and find the nearest Paul Mitchell School.

7. Pay attention to your screen time. Let it shock you. Let it slightly embarrass you. Let it humble you into putting the phone down. (Although it’s much easier said than done.)

8. You are not responsible for someone’s unwillingness to treat you well. You can be the best friend/girlfriend/coworker/whatever, show up for someone 110% of the time, go the extra mile and never arrive without a second coffee in hand, and still have someone neglect you. Someone’s effort towards you is not a reflection of what you deserve or of your value, it’s a reflection on them and them alone. Don’t ever doubt whether you are deserving of the right kind of treatment or full effort, because you are. Wait for the people who don’t make you question whether or not you’re good enough.

9. Being a “bad texter” is not an excuse to ignore someone. It isn’t even a real thing. If you want to talk to someone, you will. If something is important, you will make time for it. In today’s digital age, there is no way someone isn’t checking their phone and didn’t see your message for a day and a half, especially if this is happening every time you reach out to them. Having 135975836 unread messages does not make you seem cool or important. If you’re the bad texter, quit patronizing your friends with “Sorry – just now seeing this!” excuses and try to remember someone took the time out of their day to try and talk to you, don’t just blow it off and go back to Twitter. No one likes feeling ignored.

10. Wearing makeup to cover up breakouts that you got…from wearing makeup… is completely counterintuitive. Ditch the makeup when you can. More time in the morning to sip coffee and bonus: people being impressed when you DO decide to doll yourself up.

11. 99.9% of the time, you will not regret dragging yourself to the gym. Getting there and getting started is the hardest part, but I have never gotten finished with a workout and thought “man, I wish I would have slept in instead.”

12. Don’t dull yourself down to make your company comfortable. Don’t keep quiet about your fitness progress because someone else chooses not to go to the gym, don’t hide your relationship from your single friends, don’t keep work success to yourself because your coworkers didn’t achieve the same thing, and so on. With that being said, be conscientious of others’ feelings and try not to be boastful, but a tribe that truly cares about you will celebrate your victories with you. Anyone who resents you for moving forward is someone you should leave behind you.

13. Moving home isn’t a “failure”. After moving out at 17 and putting myself through college, the thought of moving back in with my parents seemed like the most backwards step in my adult life. After lots of prayer, budgeting, and more prayer, I decided that when my lease was up it would be beneficial for me to move home and start chunking down my student debt. Fast forward a few months and I was able to pay off my student debt completely, pay down my car loan, and put some money aside. More importantly, I was able to reconnect with my family in a way that only comes after you have experienced the world on your own. I appreciate so many things from coming home to a warm, full house versus an empty apartment to getting up early to have coffee with my mama. I am so thankful for putting my pride aside and making the choice that I did. I am so thankful for a family that close in proximity and close at heart and can honestly say my parents are the best roommates I have ever had.

14. Three day weekends are perfect for mini vacations. Minimizing the time off of work while still getting away, win-win. I am very fortunate to work in an industry with quite a few three day weekends... but learning to plan a trip in a short time and for a short time is something I loved and have gotten tons of use out of. Airbnb, Hopper, and Expedia are your friends! Not every trip has to be lengthy or extravagant to yield a great time and great memories.

15. You are not meant to win at every part of life. Sometimes I catch myself comparing my accomplishments to someone on a completely different life path from my own and let it affect the way I see my own successes. There is no reason for me to feel less-than when a friend gets into Nursing School or wins a pageant or gets promoted in their field. None of those things fall under my goals or even close to into my future plans, so there is no need to feel like they are failures of mine for not accomplishing as well. My perfectionist nature often convinces me that I must be good at everything to be successful at all. Everyone’s trajectory is different and if you attempt to measure your success against a life not meant for you, you will live in constant belief that you have failed. Let go of all of the things not meant for you, and pursue the things that are.

16. Success, beauty, and happiness are not mutually exclusive. Just because someone who looks nothing like you is stunning, that doesn’t mean you aren’t just as beautiful in a different way. One person’s achievement doesn’t lesson anyone else’s. You are allowed to have guilt-free happiness, regardless of whether your life circumstances are better or worse than someone else’s. There is no limit to the amount of happiness and ability to thrive in this world, everyone is allowed to pursue the best version of themselves and it doesn’t in any way mean there is less room for your best self to coexist alongside them.

17. The grass isn’t greener – it’s fake. Think of your worst moments, your ugliest moments, your messiest moments. How much of that made it online? Exactly. We have all heard the quote about not comparing your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel, but do we ever let that sink in and truly feel the gravity of that statement? Every day we are bombarded with the most perfect, photogenic moments of everyone else's life and then look in the mirror and see our unfiltered, unedited, every day selves. Just remember that you are seeing the best moments of someone's life and it is not indicative of how they truly live.

18. Forgive. Forgive your friends, forgive the ones you can't stand, and forgive yourself. The only person punished by a grudge is the one holding it.

19. Just because something has always been one way, does not mean it will or should always be that way. For better or for worse, everything changes every moment. Keep an open mind and roll with the punches.

20. Real love is worth it. The kind that you don't have to question. The kind that makes you forget your own name because you're so used to hearing 'beautiful' instead. The kind that makes the world seem warmer and the future seem brighter and brings you a home in the arms of a person. It cannot be planned, or forced, or sought out. But once it happens, it's worth every second of heartbreak or hopelessness that came before it.

21. Finally, the most important thing I have learned and am learning is that you will never have it all figured out. Joining the adult world is just realizing we are all making it up as we go along and no one really, truly, has it all together. There is beauty in the unknown and that's why life is so magnificent. (usually)

If you stayed with me this long, thank you for reading my long-winded ramblings. More to come from my jumbled mind in the near future. xoxo

How Sweet the Sound

grace ɡrās/Submit noun 1. simple elegance or refinement of movement. "she moved through the water with effortless grace" synonyms:    elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; 2.

 the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

 Of all the Christian faith, I think there is one concept I struggle the most with. Both when it comes to explaining it to those unfamiliar and accepting it myself, grace is a concept too incredible for me to wrap my human brain around. A concept too sweet for my sinful soul to grasp. Upon reading the definition of the word, two simple words speak volumes to me as the most powerful and accurate description of grace: unmerited favor. 

Should we choose to go back to our friend Miriam-Webster once again, the phrase can be broken down further. 

un·mer·it·ed

ˌənˈmerədəd/

adjective

1. not deserved.

fa·vor ˈfāvər/ noun 1. an act of kindness beyond what is due or usual.

By the very bones of the word, grace means kindness beyond what is typical, given to those who are not deserving. In my own words, grace is love without measure given to those who could never measure up. 

We live in a world of achievements, accolades and accreditation. With the megaphone of social media that so many of us hold in our hands, it is so easy to shout to the world how wonderful we are. Having all of the successes of our peers at our fingertips and in front of our faces at any given moment can lead to a skewed perception of the world. From our perspective, we see 'levels' of merit. We see 'levels' of beauty, of athleticism, of talent, of friendship, of worth. We see everyone around us as defined by what they have put into the world, intentional or otherwise. We see a world akin to an Olympic podium, where everyone has rank and it is plain to the world to see.

It is ironic that the most imperfect breed, humankind, is so quick to assign value based on ability and face-value characteristics. Everyone in the stratosphere has something to prove, whether it be to him or herself, to someone around them, or to the world at large. Everyone has a podium of which they are desperately trying to climb to the top.

Everyone aspires to stand at the peak of the podium, draped in a laurel wreath of recognition, but will never do so when climbing and measuring by their own means. No matter how hard you work towards your peak in recognition, there will always be someone better when seeing the world through the eyes of measured merit. 

When our Father looks down on us from His Heavenly perspective, He does not see the rank of the world. If you were to look at an Olympic podium from straight in the air, how would you know who was standing the highest? It would be impossible to tell, just as it is for the One Most High, for He sees us through the eyes of grace and not of merit. 

As vague as my metaphor may have been, I hope it does some justice to the passion I feel for this subject. We live in a world of trying to 'earn' worth, something it is impossible to measure. One of the largest misconceptions about Jesus, about Heaven, and about Christianity as a whole is that love must be earned. Whether by good works, lack of imperfections, outward ministry or any other means, there is a general belief that there is a Caste system to God's love. If this were the case, I would have no chance whatsoever of being loved. Speaking as myself, Hannah, I am in no way worthy of the love of Jesus Christ. I have sinned, I have strayed, I have doubted, I have repented, and I have done it all over again. I did it this week. I have done it all within the same day before. I have even done it all within the same hour.  

When speaking in terms of someone who has never sinned, someone who created the universe, someone who sees all and is above all, what good is anything I can do? What worth do my accomplishments and achievements and accolades have? The answer is absolutely nothing. There is nothing I could do to 'impress' God, 'surprise' God, or make Him love me more than He already does.

While this thought is too incredibly awesome to try and comprehend, it carries a wave of peace that should wash the weight off of your shoulders. Whatever burden you carry, whatever secret you hold, whatever shame you hide, God knows all of it. He knew every single mistake you would make before you ever came to be. He knows all of the ways you will sin and fall short for the rest of your life...and guess what? He loves you anyway. 

A perfect human is the definition of an oxymoron, those two words should never be placed together in the same sentence. There is no one more deserving of God's love than anyone else. There is no sense in striving to be perfect when the one who made you knew all of the ways you would sin, all of the lies you would tell, all of the ways you would disappoint your parents, all the ways you would fall short, every mistake you would ever make, and created you anyways. You exist in this world because the Creator of the universe thought you were worthy and worthy of His love. With that, the conversation ends. When the Father declares you worthy, as He did on the cross so so many years ago, there is nothing anyone else can say against you to dispute that. 

God loves us with unending grace. It is unmerited, there is nothing we did to earn it and there is nothing we could ever do to deserve it. We are cloaked in his favor, kindness beyond what anyone is obligated to give. 

The song Amazing Grace never spoke to me until I realized the true power of God's grace...

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me. 

I am in awe of the blessing that is His unmerited favor. There is nothing I have done to earn this love that He so freely gives me...and that in itself is a thousand pounds of weight off of my shoulders. I will never be enough for the world. I will never be enough by any standard. But because of His amazing grace, I am saved. 

His grace has loved me in my darkness, my sadness, my imperfection, my turmoil. His grace has brought me safe thus far, and His grace will bring me home. 

I once was lost, but now I am found. 

Was blind, but now I see. 

When you hear about how Christ died for you on this Easter holiday, remember one vitally important thing. He didn’t die for the version of you that you show the world, the posed and perfectly filtered highlight reel. He died for the ugly side. The shame, the guilt, the shortcomings, the blame, the sin, and the wretchedness. He died for the flaws in all of us. 

As an incredibly flawed person, I am forever in greater awe of my Creator. The more I trip over my own feet and mess up in ways unworthy of a perfect God, the more I feel the full strength of His incredible grace lifting the weight of my burdens off of my shoulders. 

I am the wretch the song refers to.

PS. Sometimes I feel as though writing these posts and proclaiming my faith gives off a ‘holier than thou’ impression or implies that I think I am morally higher than the next person. On the contrary, I am so extremely imperfect and I continue to prove it everyday. I will talk to anyone, at any time of the day, about all of the ways I am flawed and all the mistakes I have made. On the same note, I will talk about how contrastingly perfect my Savior is and how he has perfected the life I seem to continually thwart with my human ways. 

The next time you think you are the exception, the one child that Jesus cannot possibly love or forgive, let’s chat. I’d love to show you how delightfully wrong you are.