The Bones of my Future

I’m standing here in the framework of my future home. The bones of the life I will build, towering around me.

The wind blows through the lumber and I hear the voices of all the girls I used to be whispering to me.

I see the sad girl, crying for a reason to keep going.

I see the girl struck by puppy love, begging reality to keep its distance.

I see the party girl, asking for another drink to keep her demons at bay.

I see the girl watching her life come together before her eyes, just as terrified as she is thrilled.

I look around this wooden skeleton of a home and see all the women I will become.

I see the wife learning to love harder than she ever has in this shared home.

I see the mother rocking her baby in the front bedroom flooded with sunlight.

I see the aging woman with crows’ feet around her eyes from a life of laughter.

I look around the house being built and I see my life being built along with it. I am standing where some of my best memories will take place. I am walking through the setting of my next story.

This will be the place my life changes. My fiancé will leave this house one day and come back a husband. My babies will know this house as their first home. These walls will be the arms that hold my family. My future lies under this roof.

I cannot wrap my head around how I got here. All the places I have lived, all leading me here.

The sun peaks through the open roof, and I know I am home.

When God Kicks You Out Of The Nest

At first I felt stuck. Then I felt blessed. Then I felt lost, disappointed, scared, and frustrated. Then, I felt more blessed than I could have imagined.

And that's just been the past six weeks.

Where do I begin?

Let me set the scene. I was working 9-5 for a construction company that was once a blessing in its own right. As is my constant burden, over six months had passed and I was feeling stir-crazy and stagnant. Though resume coaches everywhere are cringing, I've always struggled staying at one job for too long. I'm 22 years old and I've worked at five different full-time jobs since graduating high school, none of which for much longer than a year. I've had the benefit of moving up, either in job status or pay, with every job change. Even without those stair-stepped benefits, I think I would have an extensive job history either way.

There comes a point with every job I've had where I feel capped out. I feel like I've hit a ceiling or a wall. Even though there's always more to learn and I certainly have not always been a spotless employee, this point always comes. It's as though as soon as the job ceases to be a challenge for me, it looses its luster. This is contradictory to how most people feel, since we as a species tend to prefer things we know. But I've always loved a challenge, and as soon as I conquer one, I start looking around for the next one.

As you can imagine, this mindset hasn't always yielded smooth sailing. I jump in, determined to swim in the deep end, and sometimes end up over my head. Thankfully, I serve a merciful God who I'm sure has gotten more than a couple belly laughs from me over the years.

Let's return to the scene I was setting. I'm working at a construction company, the first job I've had outside the field of finance and banking. As you can imagine, every day was a challenge. From an entire language of field-specific vernacular I don't know to attempting to be taken seriously on a construction site in heels, it was an uphill battle. Fortunately for me, that's where I thrive. I enjoyed the change of scenery and the feeling of competence that came from learning something that had previously been so foreign to me. I was seeing buildings constructed before my eyes and was able to say I had a hand in them.

Around my six month anniversary at this job, I was approached to take on a temporary, paid social media management gig. I have experience with digital marketing and social media management, but it's mainly been donated time or in exchange for freebies from business owners. I'd never gotten paid for something like this before, but the opportunity was there and it was impossible for me to resist. I've always loved the strategy and analytics behind marketing and the world of social media, and now someone was willing to pay me a decent chunk of change to do it for eight weeks?! You can guess what my answer was.

After I signed the contract, ideas were spinning everywhere. Realizing that my skill set and passion actually had potential to make money was unbelievable. Seriously, it took about a week for it to set in that I was actually getting paid for something I've loved doing for free for so long. I toyed around with the idea of trying to take on other clients. I considered starting a business. I thought about how lovely it would be to take it full time one day.

Then I laughed myself to sleep.

Fast forward. When I got paid for the contract, I decided the best thing to do financially was to realize it under an LLC. I registered my name as Hannah McClelland Media, mainly because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of changing my entire business name when I get married in six months. So I used my middle name. I did all of the official Secretary of State paperwork and paid my fees. With thirty minutes online and a little over $150, I officially held an LLC in the state of Missouri.

After getting all of this set up, I thought I might as well try to get another client to make this all worthwhile. One or two more accounts. Just something to cushion the coffee fund and keep this LLC active in case another opportunity arises in the future.

So, I started advertising. I started cold calling. I started spreading the word.

I got left on read. I got sent to voicemail. I got scrolled past.

It seemed like a bust, and I remembered why I've never taken any of my million dollar ideas seriously in the past. Because it's hard. It's discouraging, disheartening, and sometimes embarrassing. I am a sore loser and definitely don't handle rejection well, which doesn't bode well when you're starting a new business and have to convince people why they need to work with you. I was frustrated and had all but written off the idea, ready to take my one paycheck and pretend like it never happened.

But then... someone said yes. Not just any someone, but the biggest client I had pitched to. The client I spent late nights researching market trends and rehearsing my talking points for. They said yes and sent me back a signed six month contract.

While I was mid-happy dance, I got another yes. Then another. Then another. Before I knew it, I had a portfolio of clients trusting me with their digital marketing. I had cast a pretty big net when I started searching for clients, and it paid off. Almost a little too well, as I was still working a full time job. Soon, I was leaving my office, going home, and designing graphics all night every night. I spent more time running someone else's Instagram than I ever had on my own. It was a lot of work, but it was exciting and it was fun and it was mine.

Not long after, a close friend sent me a contact and told me to send them my resume. It was a company right in line with my passion of digital marketing. I sent it over and moved on with my day. Soon, I had met with the manager twice and was officially gung-ho for this opportunity. There was a remote position available working for their company writing content for their clients. The pay was great, the hours were flexible, and best of all, it supported my growing side business. Not only was I allowed to keep freelancing, but they were excited about it. Being in the same industry, they understood the niche market I was diving into and encouraged it.

Immediately, it felt like a match made in heaven. Working from home, writing my heart out, and having the flexibility to pursue Hannah McClelland Media. I was sold. I put my notice in at the construction company and the rest was history.

Until it wasn't.

I had packed up and left my job without looking back because of how excited I was for what was to come. It felt too good to be true. It turns out that the phrase is right... if it feels too good to be true, it is. On my third day of work, I received a seven page non-compete agreement that specifically prohibited social media management, graphic design, photography, and any business directly or indirectly in competition with my new employer.

My heart sank. The little black print on the document expressly spelled out the nature of my side business, my passion project. I wasn't allowed to do both. Rather than trust my rookie business instincts, I got a second opinion. Then a third. Then a legal opinion. The consensus was always the same: I wasn't allowed to do both. At least not without opening myself up to severe liability.

I spoke to my employer, trying to figure out where the miscommunication was. We talked, we negotiated, we disagreed. The bottom line is that they wanted to protect their interests and I wanted to protect mine. I can't fault them for wanting to take the maximum precautions possible for their company.

It came down to a choice: sign and risk my clientele and the business I'd just begun to pick up speed with, or refuse to sign and lose my job.

Spoiler alert: I didn't sign.

The long version involves many more prayers, tears, and conversations with my support system. It was neither impulsive nor easy. I felt so foolish for jumping out of one boat only to fall into the water before I could ever land in the next one. For the next few days, I stewed over where I misjudged the situation. Was there something I could have seen coming? Something I could have done differently? I had disclosed everything about my business before I was even offered the job. I tortured myself with hypothetical after hypothetical of situations where the outcome was different. But, at the end of the day, I was left without a job six months before my wedding and five months before the closing on my first home, with only a fledgling side hustle to show.

Yikes. As a generally anxious person to begin with, this was a whole new level of stress that I'd never experienced before. With the weight of my impending mortgage and having someone else to financially consider for the first time in my life, this wasn't exactly the ideal time for a sabbatical.

However, God isn't too keen on taking my plans and timeline into consideration. I should have learned this when I met my husband five weeks into my supposed "year of no boys". I'm not known for being a good first-time listener though. So here's my second chance to learn it.

When God has a plan, no plan, no good intention, no schedule, no dream, no worry, no fear, no anxiety, no force on Earth can stop it. Being someone full of plans, good intentions, dreams, worries, fears, and anxieties... this is a particularly difficult pill to swallow. But I am a believer before I am anything else, so in the depths of my fears and anxieties, I turned to God. I went from journaling once daily before I go to bed to journaling when I woke up, when I went to sleep, and every anxious moment in between. I caught myself worrying or doubting and immediately put it in my prayer journal and left it with the one more equipped than I could ever hope to be. I wore out a handful of pens and dozens of pages letting God know every anxious thought inside my mind.

I kept a keen eye out for God's answer. Surely it would be tied up with a neat little bow, addressed to me and delivered to my doorstep. That's how it usually works, right? If only. I spent my days wondering if I should apply for another full time position, lean into my side business, or go back to my old job (if that was even still an option). I could make an argument for all of them, and an argument against them all too. I was completely and totally stumped when it came to my next step.

Then one day, the phone rang. Another yes.

This was the first moment I felt like I could feel God whispering to me. In my panic between one boat and the next, I had spent my time thrashing around and searching for the next boat to climb into. All the while, God had been teaching me to swim. With this yes, I realized that I may not need a boat at all.

In my restlessness, I had applied for a job. One that would have been my dream job six months ago, in fact. I made it through two interviews and got the offer almost immediately. The company was great, the benefits were competitive, and the pay was excellent. Exactly how I had dreamt it would have been.

Only I have a new dream now. One where I'm the boss.

I prayed. I talked to my fiancé. I talked to my mom. I talked back to God. I talked to anyone who would listen. I talked so much that I almost convinced myself that I didn't already know the answer. But the answer was always there, in the back of my mind, tugging on me to take a leap that I still didn't know if I was brave enough to take.

My deadline to make a decision came and with shaking hands I dialed the phone and turned down the job.

I said no to the biweekly pay, the weekends off, the 401k and the consistently. I said no to an old dream. I said no to what was safe.

I said yes to God.

I still haven't decided if I'm an obedient, brave follower of Christ, or if I'm a bumbling idiot who's about to find out the hard way how difficult it is to run a business. For now, I'm letting my faith guide me. I feel more at peace now, with so much more left up in the air, than I ever have before. I felt closer to God in the midst of my nightly meltdowns when everything felt messy and nothing felt right than I ever did in my 9-5 routine life.

This chapter challenges me to take things one day at a time, because there is only enough energy and brainpower for one day's worth of work. It challenges me to seek God first thing in the morning because it's the only way I'll be able to get through the day. It challenges me to look beyond my own strength and abilities and see the future through what God can do.

Every day I wake up expecting to hop in my car and commute to my old job, brushing this all off as a pipe dream.

But every day I wake up and get to do what I love all over again.

I feel passion about my work, my abilities, and the business owners I get to work with. I feel incredible gratitude for the people in my life who believe in me, support me, and most importantly let me lay my anxieties on them once in a while. It's because of them that I was able to take the leap.

If you would have asked me three months ago when I would be ready to take Hannah McClelland Media full time, I would have said at the very earliest and if everything goes perfectly, maybe in a year or two. If I hadn't had one opportunity "fall through", I never would have left my job in the first place. If I hadn't been forced to consider a different path for myself, I never would have thought twice about changing.

On February 6th, 2021 I wrote my first contract for Hannah McClelland Media.

On May 18th, 2021 I can say I am self-employed and running this company full time.

I am so indescribably glad that God doesn't consider my plans when he makes his.

PS. Here are a few devotionals and lyrics that popped up right at the perfect divine timing that spoke to my heart.

Much To Do Before We Do

We interrupt your regularly scheduled existential blogging for something a little more light. Or should I say, white?

With that poorly executed pun, we make the leap to all things wedding.

Since we got engaged in October, it's been full steam ahead with the planning. We had twelve months, almost to the day, to get this thing planned. Initially, I pictured myself as HBIC (Head Bride In Charge), calling the shots and planning from the table settings to the trail lights.

Which is why I balked at the idea of a wedding planner. I pictured someone tossing my ideas away and running with her own. I can do this on my own. I can plan a wedding. How hard can it be?

Fortunately for my sweet, naïve, newly engaged self, my mother-in-law insisted that we use one. We went through several before landing on The Hired Hostess. Roughly 7 minutes into the Zoom meeting where we met her, I knew she was the one for me. We had asked how she prepares for a wedding day and she had the most beautiful response. She told us that she spends the drive listening to worship music, thanking God for the opportunity, and praying for the day and the couple. Right that second, with happy tears and a warm heart, I knew I needed a wedding planner. This one in particular.

Since we booked Abby, the Hired Hostess herself, it's been a cake walk. After some brief paperwork outlining our style, budget, wedding size, etc., she told me all I have to do is fill out a Pinterest board and she could take it from there.

Being the chronic overachiever that I am, I did just that. I made a Pinterest board. With fourteen subsections, organized alphabetically. It's truly a masterpiece. After I passed it along to my fairy godmother of a wedding planner, we had the most fun phone call of my life, talking this-or-that's, rustic or chic, indoor or outdoor. She asked until she felt like she had a good feel for my taste.

A few weeks later, I gathered in the conference room of a local coffee shop with my mom, my fiance's mom and Abby. With piping hot lattes, we sat in awe as she went slide-by-slide through my dream wedding. She had thought of detail that never would have crossed my mind, but fit like a puzzle into my style. I left that meeting feeling as giddy as I had on the day of my engagement. First over the guy, now over this fairy tale wedding that ignited a girly spark in me that I didn't even know existed.

Since that pivotal meeting, I have placed my full and unadulterated trust in my planner. She is organized, intuitive, and understands my fine line of balance between irony and romance. I've even opted out of some the more specific vendor meetings and let her handle them all on her own now that I know she knows my taste better than I do.

So, I'm not the powerhouse bridezilla I expected myself to be. I've been calm, I've been cool, and I've been over the moon. It's been a dream watching it come together before my eyes. Now, with 200 days left until the big day, I am just as excited to see the table settings as I am to run away with the love of my life. Is that normal?

Anywho, let's talk about where we are now. I meet with the florist on Wednesday with my entourage of momma bears to see what I get to carry with me down the aisle. We've also been working on collecting addresses for Save The Date cards. In my eternal effort to work smarter not harder, I was introduced to Postable. Essentially, you send the link to your guests, they fill out a teeny form, and the app creates a digital guestbook that can be exported to excel in seconds. A dream. 10/10 recommend.

The hardest part for me has been picking my bridesmaids. I am eternally terrified of disappointing or hurting anyone in any way, so making a choice between all the ladies I love had me stressed for a good four months. When I finally got to the point where my planner was insisting that I couldn't wait any longer, I did it. I through a Galentine's Day brunch, complete with themed cookies on a dessert tier, a white feathered outfit, and bottomless mimosas. My best girls said yes, and seeing all my people in the same place was like a crossover episode of all my favorite TV shows.

According to my guiding light, the ultimate bridal binder, I'm ahead! I'm thankful for my planner keeping me on track, the support of my mom squad, and my bridesmaids being the best cheerleaders for this whole process.

I die and go to heaven at every time I think of walking down the aisle to Austin. Now, my head gets lost in the clouds when I think of all the details of this dreamy day. It's surreal to see all of the details come together, painting a picture of a day I've wondered about my whole life.

I can't wait to show you the final product.