The Modern Bride's Style Guide

Everyone knows your engagement period is not only a time to plan the biggest party of your young life, but time to make your mark in the fashion realm. The white section of your closet will triple, you'll Google the words "sequin" and "feathers" more than you ever have, and you'll put so much pressure on an outfit you may never wear again.

It's truly a magical time.

Here are the magical outfits I wore, forever cemented in my Instagram grid.

Bridesmaid Proposal

My event: Galentine’s Brunch @ A Winery

My vibe: Feathered and Fabulous

My outfit

Bachelorette Trip

My event: Girl’s Weekend in St. Petersburg

My vibe: Campy, Over The Top, No-Doubt-I’m -A-Bride

My outfit(s)

Travel Set Hoodie

T-Shirts / Custom

Bikini

White Dress One

Cover Ups

Bridal Shower (his family)

My event: Bridal Shower in a Coffee Shop

My vibe: Blair Waldorf x Kate Middleton

My outfit

Bridal Shower (my family)

My event: High Tea Party

My vibe: Bridgerton!

My outfit: sold out but purchased from NastyGal

Lingerie Party

My event: Cocktails and Sushi

My vibe: Simple but (dare I say) Sexy

My outfit

Rehearsal Dinner

My event: Rehearsal at a French Bistro

My vibe: Classy with a hint of Glitter

My outfit: Couldn’t find it online but linking dupes! I bought from Dillard’s.

Wedding Morning

My event: Getting Ready at the Spa

My vibe: Silky and Fabulous

My outfit

Wedding Dress

My event: Getting Married…Duh!

My vibe: Glamorous and Vintage

My outfit: not linking… it’s one of a kind 😉

Reception

My event: Party of the Century

My vibe: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

My outfit

Getaway Fit

My event: Sparkler Exit

My vibe: Dramatic and Glittery

My outfit:

(more photos to come when wedding photos arrive)

Pre-Wedding Mania

Two weeks. Less than fourteen days. 336 hours.

Then everything we've been planning, paying for, and picturing for the past year becomes a reality.

It's surreal to think that the culmination of dozens of wedding planning meetings, checks written, and Pinterest daydreaming will all be over in one weekend. In a flurry of tulle and champagne, I go from a fervent bride to an exhausted wife. Oh, what a relieving transition that will be.

While it seems like I've been planning this wedding for the better part of a century, somehow when I look at the countdown on my lock screen, "13 days" seems impossibly soon. Between the chaos of building a house mid-supply and labor shortage and still being in year one of self-employment, time slips by before I can even check the date. It seems like time has been passing in three-day increments.

Since my last post, we've dealt with subcontractors who don't show up, missing appliances, incorrect tile installation, dead lawns, and three pushed closing dates.

Oh, and an off-center bathroom vanity. This will only drive me a little insane.

As far as the wedding, I've learned a ton as we get towards the end of this entire process.

The first is that I hate the concept of a "wedding body". The idea that during one of the most stressful life events, a woman is supposed to simultaneously reach a physical peak is absolutely asinine. I'm on DEFCON 10 at all times these days, counting carbs is the last thing that comes to mind.

More often than not, I end up with a small window of free time and a long list of tasks to fit into it. If I have to choose between getting work done (that pays my bills), planning my impending nuptials, progressing the home I need to live in, or going to the gym - it's pretty clear which one falls to the bottom of the totem pole.

At first, I really struggled with that. I wanted to be in my peak physical shape on my wedding day. Confident and toned and all that stuff that the internet says I should be as a bride. I thought I could truly do it all. Juggling the three mountains in my life has proven to be all I have the capacity for. Some days, I can't even do that.

There's so much pressure to make everything perfect, but even more so is the pressure to be perfect. I've changed my hair three times this month. Whatever I do, however I look, will forever be cemented in my wedding photos. Arguably some of the most important photos you'll ever take. Do I get a spray tan or not? Do I cut my hair or not? How soon should I get my last facial so I don't break out? Am I seriously worrying about these things?

(Kim, there's people that are dying.)

While we're being honest, let's talk about what the weeks leading up to your wedding really look like. You'll be surrounded by showers and food tastings and other events with delicious food. You'll be drinking more caffeine than ever before, which makes you a little dehydrated and dull-skinned. You'll be up late thinking about how on earth you're going to transport your multiple outfit changes to the hotel before the wedding and then wake up with dark circles because of the three hours of sleep. You'll end up bloated because of the lack of sleep and breaking out because of the hours spent poring over wedding spreadsheets with your hand on your chin. Too specific? Too honest? Pinterest never prepared me for this, so allow me to help you.

The world doesn't stop turning because you have a big event coming up. No one moves your deadlines because the appliance you ordered is MIA and you really need to track it down. The days won't last longer than 24 hours no matter how often I will them too. As I write this, it's 1:00 am and I don't see sleep in sight.

On the topic of the world's lack of sympathy for my wedding planning woes, we have the abundance of opinions that come with any major life event. Some think things are too modern and frivolous for a wedding, some think things are too boring and traditional. Then there's the worst kind of person who says things like, "I wouldn't do that, but it's not my wedding." Seriously, my self-restraint is level ten.

After you get all of the opinions, you realize people love to talk and hate to follow instructions. Right around the time you start to send out RSVPs, you realize this. The RSVP envelopes are detailed, specific to each guest with personalized information, driving directions, hotel information, and ceremony times. As soon as they land in people's mailboxes, you'll get a flood of questions as if the card said nothing more than: "There will be a wedding. People will attend. It will happen in the near future. That is all."

Other than that, there's an overwhelming feeling of responsibility to provide an amazing night for everyone who cleared their schedule and squeezed into their Spanx for you. High school friends, second cousins, old coworkers and so many more are coming to watch me declare my love to some guy I met on the internet.

Okay, he's a little more important than that. But I live for the drama.

The point is that I want everyone to enjoy themselves more than they have ever enjoyed themselves before. I don't want anyone to be bored waiting on me to finish taking photos, I don't want anyone to complain that our chicken is too dry, I don't want anyone to think we didn't provide enough dessert options. Although with four, I'm pretty sure we'll be fine.

I know I'm borrowing trouble because half the fun of attending someone else's wedding is pretending to be a judge on some terrible reality show and critiquing it. Essentially, if there's something to worry about these days, odds are I've lost sleep over it.

I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the magnitude of this one day. I think it's because I don't really believe that we should put so much emphasis on the day itself. It's going to be a beautiful party and I can't wait to show my handsome husband off to 200 of our closest friends, but it's just a day. In 24 hours, it will come and go.

What I'm really excited about are all the days after that one. Every day I get to introduce myself as Mrs. Ruder or hear Austin introduce me as his wife. Every time we get to say goodnight instead of goodbye. All the life decisions I never have to make on my own again.

Our wedding will be very special, but I am the most excited about our marriage.

The Bride, the Builder, and the Business Owner

They say that included in the top ten most stressful life events are getting married, moving, and a change in career. I guess somewhere deep in my subconscious, I found that out and thought, challenge accepted.

I got engaged on October 31, 2020.

I left my job in pursuit of my own business venture on May 4, 2021.

I put a contract on a house that was being built with my fiancé on May 15, 2021.

The time since all of that occurred has been the most blissful chaos. If you read my previous post about the events that led me to start my own business and leave the corporate world, you know that I am full of faith when it comes to life decisions. However, that doesn’t mean that they are without stress, trepidation, or anxiety. On the contrary, the bold choices I feel led to make by my God make me feel incredibly helpless and anxious. As a recovering control freak, I still struggle to jump into murky waters. God is sure trying his hardest to break me of that fear.

Let’s do a fast forward from then to now.

I am now four whole months into running my own company and loving it more every day. (Except invoicing.)

I am officially out of the last apartment that I will ever live in, but more on that later. I am 30 days from closing on our house.

I am 75 days from marrying the love of my life.

When I look ahead over the next two months, I see an insurmountable to-do list. Follow up meetings with potential clients, moving two people's apartments and accumulation of stuff into one home, ceremony detail planning, board retreats, fundraising events, etc etc etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I have the utmost faith that everything will work out in the perfect way that it’s been planned for me. But, I am only human. And a fairly anxious human at that. That means that my days begin with worry and end with anxiety. With a lot of nervousness in between.

Yes, it's as unpleasant as it sounds. No, I won't disclose how many grey hairs I've found.

Working for myself is a catch 22. Being self-employed has allowed me the freedom and flexibility to be present for other life events. I'm so thankful to be able to work on a schedule that benefits myself, my fiancé, and everything else happening in our lives. But on the contrary, I am working about 100 times harder than I ever have for anyone else. That’s just my selfish nature showing, I suppose. I am the hardest boss that I have ever worked for.

In this case, no slacking is acceptable. My entire livelihood, my mortgage, my fiancé’s life, and our future is dependent on me being successful. No pressure.

Actually, if this business failed, I could cut my losses and go back to work pretty much immediately, but what fun is a low-stakes situation.

Our closing is impending and the worst part of this whole situation is a "hurry up and wait" situation. I knew we had to pack up two separate lives and move them into one. Moving sucks. I was dreading it. I decided to list my furniture online, expecting it to sell over a period of weeks. 24 hours later, it was gone. I was left standing in my empty apartment, feeling pleasantly surprised but with a new set of issues.

Luckily, my parents have a spare bedroom and open arms and we're roommates again for the next month until our house closing. I'm living out of boxes but surrounded by home cooking, hugs, and dad jokes. It could be worse.

We are building our house in conjunction with a contractor. Luckily, they know much more about the construction industry than we do, but we are still as involved as our limited experience allows us to be. It feels like I have spent more time building this house than I have planning my wedding, but that just supports my theory that I am a terrible bride. This house is going to be the setting in the backdrop for all of our future memories in the next 10 years of our lives, maybe more. It means so much to me to be able to see it grow and become the home of the future Ruder family. As much as I have romanticized this building and its' place in our lives, it's still quite the burden at times. Plus, building a house is expensive. Who would have thought!

Lastly, I am a terrible bride. Not a bridezilla, actually quite the opposite. I don’t care about reception place settings, I don’t care about flower girl baskets, or how big my bouquet is. I don’t care what time the ceremony starts and I sure as he** don't know the difference between white and ivory. I hate putting things on a registry, I'm tired of wearing white and I'm dreading being the center of attention at my first bridal shower this weekend. As I said, I'm a terrible bride.

All I want is to leave the venue on October 30, 2021, hand-in-hand with Austin.

I always saw myself as more of a control freak, but the stage of life has all but disproven that. I simply don’t have the capacity to control everything, and this is one of the many things that has been a casualty of my loss of control. Luckily, I have an incredible support system (including the wedding planner I am tempted to name one of my children after because she's that amazing) and I couldn’t have done it without everyone in my corner. I am so incredibly thankful for those who are making this time of my life so special and are celebrating our marriage, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm a terrible bride.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel so incredibly blessed to have all of these amazing things happening for me. Dream job, dream house, dream guy. What more can I ask for?

Easy, more time to enjoy it all.

I feel like the days are flying by without me even being able to soak any of the moments in. Our house has gone from a skeleton of wooden beams to a beautiful, fully formed home and I don’t even remember how it happened. My wedding is in 75 days, and I feel like I just got engaged yesterday. Suddenly, I can’t even remember what my old coworkers and I used to laugh about, I feel like I have been on my own forever, but at the same time, I have no idea how I got to this point. With so much happening at once, it’s impossible to appreciate any one thing. I feel like all of these incredible firsts and special memories are slipping through my fingers, and the more tightly I try to grasp them, the faster they slip away.

The worst part is that in mid-November when I return from my honeymoon and I unpack all of my things. I will be filled with an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I will still have my business, but the house will be built and the wedding will be replaced with memories. I know that when I have an abundance of time I will wonder what on earth I was so stressed out about during the previous months. I know that this will pass, but I can’t make myself sit down and rest.

Now that I've solidified myself as the most spoiled person with the most first-world problems, onto what I'm learning.

First, I learned that I conditioned myself to feel anxious when I listen to worship music. When I get stressed, I play music that's full of faith. I started to notice that it was only making me feel worse. Eventually, it dawned on me. I only listen to worship music when I need comfort. When I'm sad, scared, or anxious. When all is well and I'm happy, I listen to anything else. I don't listen to music and praise God when I'm full of joy. I only use it when I need His peace. Now, listening to Christian music has become a staple of my stressful moments. I hate that I've done that to something that brought me so much peace.

When I thought about it more, I realized I do this with my faith as a whole. I listen more intently in church when I need guidance, I pray more when I'm low, I listen to praise music when I'm on the verge of tears.

While my faith is the most incredible cushion to fall back on, it shouldn't be reduced to the last resort I've been treating it as.

It should be the first thing I do when I receive good news to cry out to Jesus in gratitude. I should sing along to Lauren Daigle when the sun is shining and I'm feeling great. I should be on the edge of my seat during every church sermon even when I feel like I have it all together.

I'm working on re-conditioning myself to turn to God first, not last. To be thankful for every blessing instead of desperate to fix every problem. It's a work in progress, but it's a blessing to be making progress at all.

Second, I'm learning to delegate. In my past life, this was my worst nightmare. I wanted to be the one personally spinning every plate and juggling every ball. This stage of life has taken my strategy and thrown it right out the window. I couldn't handle this all on my own if I tried.

I am learning the true value of marriage being a team effort. Austin has been a rockstar at listening to every wedding stressor and giving me a shoulder to cry on (or yell at). He's reminded me that I'm not running a solo race, but a relay. It feels so good to pass the baton.

My family and future family, my friends, and everyone supporting me professionally have all pried the reins from my white-knuckled grip and reminded me it's not weak to take something off of my plate. After all, I am the definition of eyes bigger than my stomach and biting off more than I can chew.

Third, I am learning that there will never be a perfect time to sit and enjoy life.

I'm done with saying "after the wedding, I can relax," or "when we get settled in the house, I won't be stressed," or "when I sign x number of clients, I'll rest". I'm tired of pushing my joy off until tomorrow. The truth is, I'll find something to stress about and fuss over when I meet all of those imaginary deadlines too. After the wedding, after the move, after the first business year, I'll still be talking God's ear off about my problems.

So why wait to be happy? If the stressors don't go away, only evolve, so should I. Even if my to-do list is a little lengthy, so is my list of blessings. What I choose to focus on will make all the difference in how this stage of life is remembered.

Do I want to look back and remember how I felt so frustrated I wanted to elope? Or do I want to look back and think of how magical of a time it was to plan the biggest party and celebrate my favorite person and I getting married.

Do I want to reminisce on how the sod didn't take as quickly as I wanted it to, or the tile took too long to get installed? Or about all of the impromptu drives Austin and I took to see the progress of our home and daydreamt about all of the memories to be made in it?

It's a pretty clear choice if you ask me.

Finally, I'm learning about all of the pressure we put on brides. Who came up with the idea that you're supposed to look your best after a year of spending, planning, moving, and stressing? Petition to #GiveBridesABreak. It's brutal out here.

Reminder that although life sometimes looks like this:

It also looks like this: